Every February we are bombarded with messages that tell us how to attract or celebrate the love of our lives. This piece isn’t about that. This piece is a celebration of love, however you are experiencing it right now. Whether you’re single, taken, or somewhere in-between, you deserve the kind of intimacy that is inspiring; that makes you feel like your cup runneth over, not like you somehow missed the drinks because you don’t happen to have a Valentine.
I’m a sex, love, and relationship coach, and I believe that pleasure is your birthright. You read that right…you deserve great pleasure because you were literally made out of it. We are all made out of orgasms, and yet we are conditioned to believe that our pleasure should be experienced through a very narrow-framework of acceptability.
Traditionally, Valentine’s Day has reinforced these narratives–
Buy your monogamous partner some chocolate or eat a box of chocolate alone and wonder when your love will come along.
And, yet, it is we who have the power to own our sexual narratives. So this Valentine’s Day, I offer you 5 secrets for great sex, that you can use alone, with a partner…or a few (if you happen to be in a throuple).
Give yourself permission to explore without an end goal.
So many of us make orgasm the point of sex. And then when it doesn’t happen (or sometimes if it happens too soon or not strongly enough) the whole experience feels like a “failure.” I invite you to remove this tired way of thinking from your sexual experiences. What if orgasm wasn’t the point at all? What if exploring what you like and don’t like became the motivation for the experience? What if you tried different strokes, positions, tempos and toys?
When granting yourself the grace of stepping outside your comfort zone, sex becomes something novel and new. If you push past the boundaries of your own comfortability (yes, you may try something that ends up totally not feeling sexy…) this sex-ploration can be fun and even hilarious.
People always ask me what my biggest tip to being great in bed is, and it is thus:
Genuinely enjoy yourself and don’t think about it too much.
We’ve been so conditioned that we must be hyper-sexual and attractive to our partners. But if you’re more concerned with the way your face looks or how strange your noises may sound than actually enjoying yourself, you really do yourself and your partner(s) the disservice of having a lack of authenticity that makes sex great.
Make it into a ritual
Whether alone or with a partner, creating a ritual out of your sexual experiences can really enhance the experience. Whenever I teach a workshop or do a session with a client, I begin by “opening a container.” Essentially what this means is that I ground the client or audience into a space that is separate from everything else they have been doing that day. Inside this created container there are no judgements, no expectations, and the anxieties and emotions of unrelated moments from the day are gently wiped away and saved for the time after the container has been closed.
Generally, I do this by guiding people through three deep cleansing breaths. You can do this too in your sexual practices. You can open a container for sexual exploration, and ritualize it with a candle, mood lighting, your favorite playlist, and even setting an intention such as “to deepen my connection to myself and/or my partner” or “to honor and explore each part of my lover.”
Ritual makes things feel special, memorable and new, so incorporating it into your sex life may inspire some sexy circumstances you’ve never tried before.
Practice a little sex magick.
Did you know that your can use your sexual energy to manifest? You read that right. The ancient Daoists believed that the sacral chakra was the controller of your chi or life-force energy. Not only is this space where babies are made, but to the Daoists, this is where all creativity is born.
Sex magick is used to bring birth to life a desires result by channeling the power of your orgasm toward that manifestation. How exactly does one accomplish this? Well, just like with ritual, it can be varied and is entirely yours to take creative liberties with. I’ve experiences sex magick rituals where women write their manifestations, leave them on an alter and all self pleasure to the energy of those manifestations being born.
You can also, alone or as a couple, imagine directing your orgasmic energy toward a desired goal. I visualize mine, like a shooting star, reaching up and out into the universe attracting to me that which I seek– a successful group coaching program launch, a new lover, good health. You can use sex magick for anything. And being pointed with the power of your orgasm is as empowering as it is inspiring.
Indulge in some sexy herbal blends
The Alchemist Kitchen is a great place to stock up on herbs that get you in the mood. In fact, my personal favorite tincture for getting it on is a divine blend made by TAK called Love Stoned. It contains damiana, cacao, bourbon, and CBD. Not only does it get you in the mood, but it tastes so damn good that I take it just for the flavor. You may even enjoy dropping some into a cup of tea pre-sex ritual.
Maca, horny goat weed, blue lotus, and ginseng are all great plants to get you in the mood. I also enjoy smoking some herbal blends as part of a pre-love making ritual, and the options to enjoy are truly endless. As your herbalist for recommendations and enjoy your exploration.
Incorporate hemp into your intimate life.
I am a huge proponent of using hemp to amp up your sex life. If you suffer from pain or anxiety with sex CBD can be tremendously beneficial for both. You can take it orally or my favorite is as a lube or suppository inserted either vaginally or rectally for you or your partner’s enjoyment. I also love using CBD for period cramps, either rubbing a topical over the womb-space and lower abdominals or, again, inserting it vaginally for epic cramp relief.
If you decide to use hemp in your sex life, as long as you have previously had relaxing experiences with it, it can only increase sensation, decrease pain, and maximize enjoyment. Use responsibly, and enjoy romantically.
However you spend this Valentine’s Day, I hope these tips will empower you to think outside the box and enjoy epic love and pleasure…even if it is by yourself. You certainly deserve it. To stay in touch for more sexy tips and tricks, you can catch me on Instagram.
For more, check out The Alchemist’s Kitchen’s Season of Love Collection of herbal offerings here!